This morning, I woke up with so many brilliant ideas. I was buzzing from some inspiration I got during my sleep, and could not wait to start the day. I got up out of bed even before my fiancee's alarm went off. I have not had an office job for a good two weeks now, and I still cannot sleep past 7:30 am.
I started the day furiously writing down my ideas, and prepping to initiate on a new plan of action. I went to work, executed on my idea, and felt the sincere joy of accomplishing something I thought would be a step in the right direction to establishing myself and in the direction I want my career and life to go in.
Then, the opinions, negativity and insecurity set in. Am I crazy? Am I authentic? Why do i feel stupid? Does anyone care? Am I a fraud?
A fraud. This word constantly brings me back to reality when I feel I have gotten to high and mighty on a brilliant idea I think I may have had. I am a fraud. No one is going to take you seriously, no one is going to believe you. Who are you to have such opinions, views, thoughts?
So many women feel like they are a fraud or an imposture in their daily lives, especially in their careers. More frequently I have been feeling like a fraud not only in my work life, but in my personal relationships too.
Since quitting my job, I have been trying to get back to feeling good about myself. So, what is the first thing I need to work on? Forgiving myself when I am hard and unrealistic about what my goals and daily accomplishments should be. Truth is, I am exhausted. I had a summer of planning a wedding, buying a home, moving, and quitting my job. It was A LOT to deal with. I still feel so amped and so wired to feel like I should still be tackling the world and taking on more and more tasks even more now that I am not in the office full time, just so I can keep busy, and not remember how scared and how vulnerable I feel right now. But I need to remember, that it is OKAY to have unproductive days. It is OKAY to feel down, and to not know what to do next. It is OKAY to not check off every thing on my to do list everyday. It is all a work in progress. I AM a work in progress. I am still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and who I eventually want to become.